El Pres's 18 Greatest Victories At Barstool Sports

Last Friday I did the pistachio challenge. I had been ranting and raving for weeks about how awful Wonderful Pistachios were and I needed to prove to the world that they were in fact the worst pistachio known to man. So I donned the blindfold and put my money where my mouth was as only a true leader of men can do. Naturally I passed the test with fying colors exposing Wonderful Pistachios for the frauds they are. Well lots of new Stoolies haven’t seen me in action before like that. Just willing myself to victory under the bright lights and hot glare of Barstool Nation.  Therefore I decided to take a trip down memory land and rank my 18 greatest victories in the history of Barstool. And keep in mind for a victory to count I needed to capture it on video. So without further ado here we go. The top 18 victories that I helped my build the foundation of Barstool Sports brick by brick by brick.

18. Pres Vs. Blind Mike In Ping Pong

I know what lots of people are gonna say with this one. Geez Pres, Mike is blind. How hard is it to beat a blind kid in ping pong? EXACTLY. This was an absolute no win situation for me. If I beat Blind Mike everybody just says it’s because he’s blind. But if I lost he would have shocked the world.  People would still be talking about it to this day. That’s why there was so much pressure.  I rose to the occasion and showed Blind Mike no mercy and left no doubt to the world who the better ping pong player was.

17. Double Dribble Challenge

I’m almost embarrassed to put this one on this list because I made it look so easy. But what people forget is that both Big Cat and KFC said there was ZERO chance I could do this. I was the only one who said I didn’t think dribbling 2 balls at once for 10 seconds was difficult. They both dared me to do it. They both laughed at me. They both said I had no shot. And then I went out and dominated. I won with an ease and conviction that you rarely see in today’s society. Maybe the most decisive victory in the history of sports.

16. Bill Simmons Show Get Canceled

Here is a fatal flaw in my personality. It’s not enough for me to be successful. I need to see my enemies fail. And while for some reason I feel like my feud with Simmons has cooled of late it was still the height of the cold war when this happened. Combine this with the fact that I was at the Breeders Cup looking like a billion dollars when the news broke and it just made for the perfect gloating speech. I’m actually not sure what I’ve won since Simmons is still currently way richer and more famous than me, but it still felt good.  Not to mention our show didn’t get picked up by comedy central so not that great of a win upon reflection.

15. Smitty Gets Rejected at the TBT

So Barstool Sports entered 2 teams in the original TBT tournament. My team was filled with ex NBA and college stars and then Smitty had his team which like everything Smitty seems to put his hands on sucked. Smitty chirped and chirped how I was just a bench player and had nothing to do with our success right up until I blocked this shot to the moon on our way to a 60 pt blowout. Poor blockhead Smitty still has post concussion syndrome from that explosion.

14. Backstrom Challenge

There was a time when this Nicholas Backstrom commercial was on the air it seemed like every 10 minutes. Backstrom just peacocking it around the rink because he could score 15 goals in 15 seconds. It took 12 seconds for me to shut his ass up.   With a bad neck to boot.

13. 2 On 1 Basketball Vs. Tony Scheffler

Listen no 2 grown men want to lose a 2 on 1 handicap basketball game to another grown man. But that’s exactly what was about to happen when Big Cat and I traveled to Detroit to play Tony Scheffler in hoop. But then we developed the vaunted high low offense and I caught fire. It was one of those rare glimpses of what makes me a champion. My back was against the wall. We needed a hero. We needed a playmaker. I didn’t even flinch. The rest is history. That Scheffler drop kick of the basketball into the woods was still one of the maddest I’ve seen anybody during our 15 years in business.

12. Deadspin Goes Bankrupt

Do I like dancing on graves? Yes I do. Was it fun to watch all those self righteous windbags at Deadspin go bankrupt for breaking the very ethical code they love to brag about? Absolutely. It’s not even that I think what they did was that horrible, but they are just so smug about everything they do. They love to preach about ethics and morals and how horrible we are and meanwhile they got sued right out of business. The irony was too think not to celebrate. To quote the great Stu Finer “If it seems like I always win that’s because I do”. (Except the time I got cucked)

11. Weird Haircut Seth Says He Can Throw A Football 60 Yards

Weird Haircut Seth was one of those absolute shooting stars in the Barstool galaxy. He came and went in an instant but if you saw him streaking across the Barstool sky you’ll never forget him. He was my campaign manger for mayor. He had a weird haircut. He hired Hank to work at Barstool.  I named a horse after him. He said he could throw a football 60 yards. Needless to say he couldn’t. I have no idea where Weird Haircut Seth is now or what he’s doing with his life, but I’ll never forget his time here.

10.  Pistachio Taste Test

To be honest #10 may be a bit high on this list but I didn’t feel like rearranging all the numbers. And it did spawn this list so that’s gotta be worth something. Plus I think my entire reputation with Frankie the Pizzamaker was on the line here. He kinda views me as an infallible god. If I screwed this up I don’t think he ever would have looked at me the same way. It was very important for me to back up my claims which I did with flying colors.

9. Nick Bonino Shootout

Listen I’ve built my career stoning NHL hockey players in the Shootout Challenge. Austin Matthews, Torey Krug, JVR, Taylor Hall have all taken shots at the king and have all gotten stuffed into my back pocket. But this one was different. Bonino claimed I wouldn’t be able to score on him in 100 shots. And for 92 of those shots it looked like he may be right. But then on the 93rd shot I smashed a laser past him and pulled out one of the great victories of my life.  Just a great lesson for all the kids out there. Never give up. Never give in. Keep fighting till the clock says triple zero. Champions never die and neither do I.

8. Sweatering Big Cat at NHL Finals

To this day I don’t know how Big Cat didn’t see this coming. We were fighting outside the United Center and I just sweatered the absolute bejesus out of him. I also won the draw vs. him on National TV on NBC which they aired beore the Stanley Cup Finals.

7. Mini Golf Tournament

Has there ever been a more resounding victory in any athletic event ever than when I won an 18 hold mini golf tournament by 30 strokes? I gave the entire office odds. It was all of them vs. me. And it was over by the turn. Never had a boss asserted complete and total dominance over their subordinates than I did here.  I might as well have lifted my leg and peed on everybody.  And this little clip here of Blind Mike kicking my ball is still one of sneaky funniest clips of all time.

6. Skating Race Vs. Random Chick

Honestly I don’t even remember how this one started. I just know some random chick started chirping me that she could smash me in a race. I told her that no woman can beat me in anything athletic so she better shut her face. (arm wrestling notwithstanding and I will have list of my biggest losses later this week) One thing led to another and we had a good old fashioned show down on our hands. If she beat me I told her I’d buy her Bruins playoff tickets. Well needless to say it was one of the great blood baths of our generation. Just took her to the woodshed and when I was done beating her I took her to the woodshed again. People said I was a heartless asshole for not giving her the tickets anyway. I made a bet. She lost. You want the tickets? Skate faster. I’m not part of the everybody gets a trophy generation.

5. Hank Strikeout Challenge

Before Hank was some superstar producer on PMT he graduated from the El Pres School of Hard Knocks. He showed up to BSS World HQ’s as an incompetent moron. I’m not making that up. He really was. And nothing proved this more than when he said he could strike me out. Umm he clearly didn’t get the memo that his boss had faster hands than Delino Deshields. Lots of people who were looking up at the sky that night still swear there were 2 moons.

4. Lingerie Football Tackle

If I’ve said it once in this article I’ve said it a thousand times. Girls don’t beat me in sports. So this was a big one. Half time of the Baltimore Charm Lingerie Football game I had to make a 1 on 1 tackle vs. one of their players. The entire crowd was against me. The pressure was on and I morph’d into Lawrence Taylor. The crowd booing and hissing as the bad man threw her to the turf and then stepped over her. It also spawned arguably the most iconic photo of my career as I celebrated mid tackle with the #1 sign. Some guys just have that “it factor”. Clearly I’m one of them.

3. Hank Vs. Pres Blind Wine Test

This was a huge moment. Me vs. Hank on who had sophisticated wine pallet. My entire persona was build on me being a mogul and having champagne tastes. Hank was basically a bum. The thing is as much as I love win I’m not an expert by any stretch. So this taste test was a huge gamble. Luckily once Hank said he liked the hops in his wine I knew it would somehow work out and workout it did. I picked the wines in the exact correct order and he did the exact opposite. You can almost see the relief in my face. Winners win. Losers lose. Scumbag taste never fails.

2. Barstool Announces Acquisition In Times Square

The only reason and I mean the only reason this made the list was the timing of this video. I literally couldn’t have planned it any better. The morning before we announced this is when Jamie O’Grady and Sports Illustrated ran a hit piece on Barstool basically calling us Satan and saying we were doomed to a life of eternal hell and nobody would ever take us seriously. Precisely 4 hours later we announced to the world that we sold to Peter Chernin for millions of dollars and I was rich as fuck. It was one of those times when I knew for sure that God was a #GoPresGo guy.

1. Pats Beat Seahawks in Superbowl

This rundown was my crowning glory in 15 years of Barstool. I had put my entire reputation on the line with the Pats. It was the height of Deflategate. Everything I stood for as a man was on the line. And just when it seemed that all hope was lost we got the Malcolm Butler Interception which let to 24 straight hours of partying and the rundown where I lost my voice. The gold star rundown and El Pres moment.